|
 |
|
18. There's an
activity called "people-watching," which should be called
what it really is: "sitting around judging others." 19. You have to
love Michael Jackson for showing up to court in his pajamas. I guess
he figured, the judge is wearing a robe, so they were probably going
to sleep together. 20. I knew Bush
was going to win the last election. When Osama bin Laden made his last
video, he came out of his cave, saw his shadow — voila, four more
years of Bush. 21. There are just
so many beautiful women in New York City. And they hang out in groups
and packs. But they usually have that one friend, that one friend who
is not up to par. My friends and I call that girl the Other Girl. I
always get the Other Girl. Then it dawned on me: Oh, my God, I'm the
Other Guy. 22. I don't even
want a boyfriend. I just want someone to see my underwear because it's
so pretty. 23. Ted ran a successful
flower shop. One day, right next door to his store, a bunch of monks
opened up a flower shop, too. They started doing so well, they were
putting him out of business, so he begged them to relocate; they didn't.
He sent his sweet little old mother to beg them to move and they still
refused. Ted was worried. So he hired the biggest, meanest guy in town,
Hugh, to rough up the monks and send them a message. Right after that,
the monks immediately packed up and relocated and all was right with
the world. The moral of the story? Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist
friars. 24. Jake was a
Howard Hughes type of guy. All the money in the world. But disheveled,
unkempt, hair too long and uncombed. Nails uncut. This guy was a mess. 25. Prices in Manhattan
are ridiculous, my wife and I looked in to daycare for our dog and it
was $1,000 a month, $12,000 a year. City College is only $6,200. So
my dog is a freshman at Hunter. 26. I live in Brooklyn.
You don't see too many tourists in Brooklyn, and when you do see them,
they are always pointing out the wrong stuff: "Look, honey, they're
barbecuing!" No, they're burning evidence. 27. A horse walks
into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?" It
remains the most perfect joke ever written. You can substitute Celine
Dion for the horse, if you like. 28. How many Jewish
mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? 29. I think Lil'
Kim is going to have a hard time in prison. She'll have to adjust to
a life of less violence. 30. A Mafia boss
goes into a nightclub with his henchman. The henchman goes over to the
piano player and says, "My boss wants to hear 'Where or When,'
and if I was you, I'd play both of 'em!" 31. What's green
and sings? 32. What kind of
animal should you never play cards with? 33. New Yorkers
are the only kind of people who will ask you to hold their place in
line while they go look for a shorter line to stand on. 34. Weddings are
so expensive. My father married off both my sisters. He said it was
like buying a brand-new Mercedes, driving it to the hall and leaving
it there. 35. Drive-by shootings
were definitely invented in New York City … because the criminals
couldn't find a place to park their cars! 36. I love when
vegetarians try to impress you: "I haven't had meat in five years."
I haven't had a banana in a month, you don't see me bragging about it. 37. A report just
came out that the tap water in New York City is not treated properly
and contains traces of estrogen and antidepressants. It's nice to know
that my son is going to grow up and one day have really large breasts.
But it's not really going to bother him that much. 38. My latest invention
is a device that automatically bills your credit card when you enter
a bar, nightclub, strip club, or pornographic bookstore. I call it "Sleazy
Pass." 39. If the early
bird catches the worm, the worm should sleep in. 40. I go to gamblers
anonymous, I go to smoke-enders anonymous even though I don't gamble
or smoke. I happen to be addicted to anonymous groups.
|
