If there's one thing that New Yorkers can always use more of, it's reasons to laugh out loud. That's why the Daily News polled dozens of both rookie and veteran standup comedians and humorists to find out their favorite one-liners, riffs, word-plays and crowd-pleasers. Read on to tickle your funny bone and to find out how you can enter our contest for the Biggest Joke in the City.

Jump to Lisa Landry
1. A woman walked into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "I'd like some cyanide. I want to kill my husband." The pharmacist said, "I can't do that. That's illegal." The woman then produced a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the photo and said, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Jim David, Comedy Central regular

2. I performed in the Middle East for the troops, they were so polite, none of them were from here. And this one Southern soldier comes up to me and says, "Listen miss, if it gets dangerous, I'll take a bullet for you." I'm like, listen pal, I'm from New York, I'm lucky if I can get a guy to take a shower for me.
Vanessa Hollingshead, stand-up comedian

3. I wonder if I were to move to Australia if my career would go down the toilet in the other direction.
Max Lance, Gotham Comedy Club regular

4. Citibank has literally plastered New York with ads that basically say, "There's more to life than money." I don't know about you, but that's the very last message I want to hear from my bank. They should run ads that say, "We will kill a man just for a nickel." That's the kind of bank I want to hold my money.
Aaron Karo, author and stand-up comedian

5. No matter where you lived before you moved here … everybody's got that moment when they realize they belong in New York City. I had my moment when I realized I was shoving a woman down the subway stairs. And I felt guilty for a split second. Then I thought … it's not my fault old people are slow.
Lisa Landry, Gotham Comedy Club regular

6. I don't know if you can print this because some consider it to be foul language, but I think the biggest joke in New York City is the Post.
Eli Newell, Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre

7. Living in NYC we hear all different threats of possible terrorism, including the possibility of terrorists releasing anthrax in our subway. But honestly, if you are a New Yorker and you have been riding the subways for years, you are probably immune to anthrax. Anthrax is created in a sterile lab. We have germs born and bred in puddles that city rats frolic in. If anthrax was released in our subways, our germs would kick its butt.
Dean Obeidallah, Gotham Comedy Club regular

8. What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.
Angela LaGreca, New York Friars Club

9. I live in Astoria, Queens, the most peaceful neighborhood in the city. If there's any yelling at night, it means Ecuador scored.
Moody McCarthy, New York Improv regular

10. Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been around for years … they call it money.
Alonzo Bodden, "Last Comic Standing" & past headliner at Carolines on Broadway

11. You can tell that spring has arrived when former Gov. James McGreevey changes from pants to sun dresses.
Ben Schwartz, Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre performer and freelance writer for "Late Show with David Letterman" and "Saturday Night Live"

12. In New York, we have cops on bikes. What do they do when they arrest someone … do they say, "Get in the basket, we're going downtown!"
Michele Balan, stand-up comedian

13. Today was weird, I woke up this morning and I could feel tension mounting. Tension is my dog.
Tom Cotter, stand-up comedian

14. I recently graduated from college. And my family is really proud of me, because before me, the highest accomplished person in my family was my cousin Sammy. The man has his G.E.D. and is the only one in our family to this date to have taken the LSAT … by accident. He thought they were the Latino SATs.
Erik Rivera, New York Improv regular

15. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. That's why I love karaoke so much — it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid.
Aziz Ansari, Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre

16. A new study just came out saying that sex is really good for your health. Now everyone is jumping on the bandwagon. Even the prostitutes in Times Square. It used to cost hundreds of dollars to sleep with one of these ladies. Now if you have insurance … it's a $15 copay.
Bryan Kennedy, host of the "New Class Clowns" at Carolines on Broadway

17. I jog alone at night. I'm not afraid, I go naked. That way, if there are any perverts around, they think I'm already being chased.
Bonnie McFarlane, Comedy Central regular